Converting to Judaism For Marriage
Some say "I do" and other's say "I don't!" Here's one rabbi's perspective (and it involves bronze snake statues)
Did you convert to Judaism as part of joining a Jewish family? Read Rabbi Patrick’s ideas + comment!
I have had the honor of helping Darshan Yeshiva support hundreds of people in their path to becoming Jewish. Over the past decade, I have seen the evolution of people’s spiritual journeys, and of the acceptance (or sadly, sometimes lack of acceptance) of their Jewishness.
One thing that has shocked me is the number of people who are now interested in converting to Judaism because they are getting married.
If you believe mainstream US media, you would be led to believe that no one is getting married, and no one is interested in religion. So it comes as a shock to me that the growing cohort of people interested in becoming Jewish are doing so because they love a Jewish person, and particularly want to see their new family as a new, Jewish family. To quote one student, “I think it’s important that we are all the same thing as a family.”
In other words: these crazy young people today want to get married and become religious Jews.
Conversion as part of marriage is a touchy subject. For me as a Jew By Choice, it was the presumption (that is no longer made) that I converted because I married a Jewish woman. Nope - I converted, then at some point married a Jewish woman.
It used to upset me that people would assume that the only reason you would join a religion is out of some kind of force mechanism. That someone “made” me become Jewish so that I could fit into a family. That was not my case. It’s also, to the best of my knowledge, not the case of anyone I have ever helped become Jewish.
So again, it comes as a shock that now almost no one who talks to me assumes I converted “for a girl” (their words, not mine) that suddenly I am receiving applications to join our multi-national conversion to Judaism program from people, especially people under age 30, who are wanting to integrate and grow Jewish family life, and for Judaism to be part of the culture of their relationship with the one they love.
Conversion for marriage is further a difficult question because of halachic (Jewish legal) concerns, and frankly, rabbinic ego. Here’s a taste of what that looks like…
Anyone who becomes a proselyte for the sake of [marrying a Jewish] woman, or out of fear, or love is not a [genuine] proselyte.
The implication here is that a person who is becoming Jewish as part of marriage may only be doing so because someone is telling them they have to. This is of course very different than someone who wants to be Jewish, and was inspired by the idea of building a Jewish home life.
Shulchan Arukh, Yoreh De'ah 268:12
(12) When a [potential] convert comes to convert, check after him. Perhaps it is because of money he took, or because of power she will gain, or because of fear that [the potential convert] is coming to enter the religion…perhaps [the potential convert] placed his eyes on a Jewish woman. And if she is a woman…she placed her eyes on the single men of Israel.
Again we find the same issue. While a person certainly can fall in love with a Jew, convert to Judaism and marry, the rabbis are concerned that the love of a human being — not matter how strong — is simply not the same as love for God.
But Rambam does offer this concession, if the prospective Jew is sincere in conversion:
Inform [the potential convert] of the weight of the yoke of the Torah, and the difficulty of fulfilling it on the nations of the world in order that [the potential converts] leave. If they accept and do not leave, and you see them that they are returning out of love, accept them.
Rambam even goes further to say that if a person converts in this hypothetic insincerity that they are so afraid of, that it does not matter. That “even if he returns [to his former religion] and serves Idols, he is like an apostate Israelite that his marriages are marriages.” In other words, even someone who insincerely converts is still Jewish, no matter what.
But so what? What does sincere or insincere really look like? If someone feels like Judaism could help them to be a better person, that there is something to be learned from the ancient tradition, and if it leads to shalom bayit (peace in the home) who cares what drew a person into Judaism?
That’s the attitude of Reform Judaism since 1960 which says the following:
According to the Talmudic law, conversions for the purpose of marriage are specifically considered untrustworthy. [But], as far as that is concerned, at the Central Conference of American Rabbis…it was decided definitely that we [approve of] such conversions as are made for the purpose of marriage, since the desire to establish a harmonious household would help, rather than hinder, the sincerity of the conversion.
In his book on the life and ideas of the famous Rabbi Hillel, Rabbi Joseph Telushkin emphasizes Hillel’s famous line, “what is hateful unto you, do not do unto your neighbor. That is the whole Torah, all the rest is commentary. Now, go and study” as a maxim for Jewish life, but also in the context of Jewish conversion and marriage. The book description reads:
What makes it so extraordinary [about this famous line] is that it was offered to a gentile seeking conversion…At a time when religiosity is equated with ritual observance alone, when few Jews seem concerned with bringing Jewish teachings into the world, and when more than 40 percent of Jews intermarry, Judaism is in need of more of the openness that Hillel possessed two thousand years ago.
I agree, whole heartedly.
It’s one thing for a rabbi to talk about what Jewish texts say, but what about me. What does the Founder and Director of Darshan Yeshiva think?
For me it’s simple, and its about snake bites.
Numbers 21:5
“And the people spoke against God and against Moses, ‘Why did you make us leave Egypt to die in the wilderness? There is no bread and no water, and we have come to loathe this miserable food.’
יהוה sent seraph serpents against the people. They bit the people and many of the Israelites died.
The people came to Moses and said, ‘We sinned by speaking against יהוה and against you. Intercede with יהוה to take away the serpents from us!’ And Moses interceded for the people.
Then יהוה said to Moses, ‘Make a seraph figure and mount it on a standard. And anyone who was bitten who then looks at it shall recover.’
Moses made a copper serpent and mounted it on a standard; and when bitten by a serpent, anyone who looked at the copper serpent would recover.”
So the Israelites sin, and God punishes with serpents, then uses a bronze serpent statue as the cure.
It’s quirky.
The Bible is like that.
ALL THE TIME!
It also brings up the obvious question — isn’t this idolatry? Isn’t this a sin? Is God asking his wayward people to sin, in order to be cured?
Obviously this upset the rabbis who came up with this gem:
Chizkuni, Numbers 21:9:2
והביט אל נחש הנחשת, “and when he looked at this replica of a copper colored snake (he would live);” looking at this phenomenon automatically would make such a person think of heaven, and that his only hope for surviving the snakebite would come from heaven.
In other words: if you look at the statue, you’ll find yourself looking upward toward the sky. And if you are looking upward, you are in some sense looking up or revering the Divine. It may have required a bronze snake up on a pole to do the job, but it got you moving in the direction of Heaven. And that’s the idea…to look up at God.
I think far more highly than this about people converting to Judaism as part of loving a Jewish person and building a Jewish home. No one sinned here. Certainly no bronze snake statues needed.
Some rabbis disregard the holy, amazing, profound choice that these non-Jewish brides/grooms/nearlyweds are making to become part of the Jewish peoplehood. That upsets me deeply. At Darshan Yeshiva, we take a different perspective.
It does not matter if it was
the Bible,
a loaf of challah,
a cool program for young adults,
a website,
a Jewish best friend growing up,
a movie,
or anything else.
If love brings you to God, then it’s God’s love that gives. And that is a blessing for you, for those you love, for the Jewish people, and for those of us at Darshan Yeshiva.
And that’s what this rabbi thinks, and others too.
A quick follow up from our Darshan Yeshiva friend Rabbi Barbara Aiello https://rabbibarbara.com/2018/06/22/jewish-conversion-in-a-modern-age/