When you feel unworthy, read this.
Giants, grasshoppers, The Satan and You (Parshah Sh'lach | Numbers 13:1-15:41)
By Rabbi Patrick Beaulier
Numbers 13:27-33 is the story of the scouts (spies) who Moses asks to enter the promised land on a reconnaissance mission.
(27) This is what [the scouts told Moses]: “We came to the land you sent us to; it does indeed flow with milk and honey, and this is its fruit."
The scouts show Moses grapes so large that it takes two men to carry a bundle. Something like this:
But our friends the scouts are not exactly thrilled with any of this:
(28) "However, the people who inhabit the country are powerful, and the cities are fortified and very large; moreover, we saw the Anakites there. (29) Amalekites dwell in the Negeb region; Hittites, Jebusites, and Amorites inhabit the hill country; and Canaanites dwell by the Sea and along the Jordan...[We] saw the Nephilim there—the Anakites are part of the Nephilim—and we looked like grasshoppers to ourselves, and so we must have looked to them.” [abbreviated for clarity]
We looked
like grasshoppers
to ourselves
and so
we must have looked
to them
Dang, isn’t that what life is all about?
A few key ideas here:
Note the language, because it’s a formula: we looked/to ourselves/so they/to us. The problem of the promised land is not what’s in it, but how those going into it perceive themselves
The giants in the promised land are background characters. They never actually say anything. The spies must have been seen (way to go, spies) but the spies don’t actually know what the giants thoughts were
We have our sense of not being good enough, strong enough, rich enough or powerful enough. And while yes, there are people who will directly put us down (life has its bullies), how often are we our own worst enemies?
Bamidbar Rabbah 16:11 takes it a step further:
They said (in Numbers 13:33), “And in our own eyes we were like grasshoppers.”
The Holy One, blessed be He, said, “I forgave them for that [remark]; but I was exacting [when they said], ‘And so we were in their eyes.’
The Holy One, blessed be He, said, “Did you know what I made you in their eyes? Who would say that you were not like angels in their eyes?”
For whatever you may think someone believes about you, there’s a good chance you’re wrong.
Because for all you know,
you might have looked
like an angel to someone
Feel like you don’t have enough money? It must be because your rich neighbor is secretly laughing at you for not being as well off as he is, right?
Worried that you’re a bad parent? Obviously that PTA mom you see at the dance recitals and football games looks down on you, right?
Often unsure of what to do as a career? It must be because your friend just got a promotion and wonders why you can’t get it together, right?
God’s frustration is not with our insecurities, but with how we use others as props to help us think less of ourselves. And that furthermore, if the world is judging us, it may be not only for the positive, but as a blessing.
You don’t know how powerful you are.
You don’t know what a blessing you may have been to someone.
You have no idea.
And because we often have no idea what other truly think of us,
we can assume the worst. But that worst is not backed by anything other than an oppressive force in our hearts that accuses us of not being rich enough, smart enough, beautiful enough or capable enough.
That voice is called
The Satan.
Don’t sorry, it’s not this guy…
Jewish Virtual Library puts it this way:
Satan in Judaism is not a physical being ruling the underworld, rather, in the Torah, the word Satan indicates “accuser,” “hinderer” or “tempter.” Satan is therefore more an illusory obstacle in one’s way - such as temptation and evil doings - keeping one from completing the responsibilities of tikkun olam (fixing the world). Satan is the evil inclination to veer off the path of righteousness and faithfulness in God. (emphasis added)
The Satan is the root of Imposter Syndrome. That sense that you are faking your way through life, and that no matter how much you do to be qualified, talented, or capable
That voice in your heart says
that you’re not good enough
and everyone sees how fake you are
That voice is The Satan.
I suspect it’s the voice the spies/scouts heard in their hearts. Don’t think you’ll enter the promised land. You won’t. You’re too little to ride this ride.
And then, it circles back to the angels
Because for all you know,
you might have looked
like an angel to someone
There is no such thing as an alpha. There is no such thing as a person so confident that they can traverse any environment and be on top. Our ability to handle this world and the obstacles in our way are all a matter of context. And for all you know, wherever you are any whoever you may encounter…
…even if you think they believe you are a grasshopper to them, they may see you as an angel. The angel you really are.
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