I'm A Jewish Wedding Officiant. Ask Me Anything.
In honor of Tu B'Av, some thoughts on Jewish weddings
By Rabbi Patrick Beaulier
Tu B'Av, aka the Jewish Day of Love aka Jewish Valentine’s Day, offers a beautiful opportunity to explore the multifaceted nature of love within Jewish tradition. But to be honest, this lesser-known holiday isn’t SEO worthy. But you know what is? The phrase “Jewish weddings”.
I have been a rabbi for over a decade. That’s A LOT of Jewish weddings. So here are a few random thoughts about Jewish weddings, and an opportunity to ask me anything.
What Jewish wedding traditions do I require couples to do?
None. As my mentor Rabbi Ben Romer (z”l) said, our job is to provide “the Jewish component”. That for me has been realizing, with humility, that it is an honor to be there and to provide whatever little element of Judaism a couple would want.
To be honest, I do prefer when couples really take ownership of the ceremony and want all the ceremonial elements. It’s more fun. Even with couples who say they don’t want “too much”, I always tell them to take 30 minutes to learn what these traditions actually mean, and to not worry that the ceremony will be too long (whatever that means) and to give Judaism a chance. Once they do, they seem really happy.
What can I say, I’m God’s marketing department.
Wait, then what do you offer?
My wedding ceremonies fit into a few categories:
License Signing Only (at my office). This is like a Justice of the Peace
Elopement-Style Ceremony, a kind of pre-written ceremony of a couple’s choosing from a list provided
Personalized Ceremonies, a ceremony written “just for you”. This includes Jewish-specific personalized ceremonies. I offer to provide a simple bronze chuppah with white tallit cover, a fairly standardized mini ketubah on glossy photo paper, a kiddush cup (to keep!), the smash glasses for the end of the ceremony, and optional marriage counseling. These are the most common weddings I officiate
What do most people do?
Chuppah unless their venue “will not allow it” (which is BS and I’d LOVE to meet the venue that tells them no), a few brachot and of course, smashing the glass. That’s the minimum. Most ceremonies do include all the components with the exception of Sheva Brachot where couples will sometimes ask for a Reconstructionist style poetry blessings series instead of the traditional Hebrew.
What do you wish couples knew before planning a Jewish ceremony?
Put your dates into a Jewish calendar. Seriously - I’ve been asked to officiate Jewish weddings on Rosh Hashanah.
What do you do for a chuppah?
My wife and I made ours out of PVC pipe. Four poles and a top, that’s all you need.
I’m guessing you made your own ketubah, too?
Yup. She wrote it. And on-again-off-again PunkTorah graphics guy Joe Strassler put it together for us.
What are your thoughts on co-officiating?
I don’t do it. I have before, but upon reflection I realized that I was not doing anyone any favors. Having said that, I have no problem with non-Jewish religious readings (provided I’m not reading them), couples having other ceremonies before/after mine, or officiating non-denominational ceremonies.
Do you officiate LGBTQ+ weddings? Are they different?
I do. And no, they are not.
Do rabbis only officiate Jewish weddings?
I’ve had couples ask me to marry them because they feel like as a non-Christian I would be a better option for them. Their weddings are generally non-religious, sometimes non-denominational (so using God language, but in an open way).
What do other rabbis do? Dunno. Ask them.
Are there any trends in Jewish weddings?
Not really. The trends tend to follow what other people see at friends and family weddings.
My own take: don’t get married outdoors. Social media makes it look great. But makeup melts, ceremonies get rained out, brides pass out in the heat (saw it almost happen!), clothes and shoes get dirty.
Having said that, the photos are pretty.
How does your religious outlook effect how you view Jewish weddings?
My only rule is that you are in charge. Whether I am performing a wedding, leading a Shabbat weekend, or giving a presentation to your synagogue or school, I believe that you are in charge and that I have a responsibility to provide you with the best experience possible. It’s a mitzvah to bring joy to the bride and groom. God and I will argue out the details of that when I enter the Afterlife.
And speaking of God…
God is a lived experience. I believe that there is an experience that is a part of us, and yet entirely beyond us. It is the source of everything in the universe, the source of transcendence, the source of life. I choose to call this “God”, because that word (for better or worse) best encompasses my understanding of the nature of reality. I have no problem with people who choose a different term, or who understand God in a different way, or who reject God entirely. Holiness is not mutually exclusive. And that’s why I’m not afraid to officiate ceremonies where Jewish tradition is the framework, but where other peoplehoods are honored.
And speaking of peoplehood, this is the part where I look like a Reconstructionist…
Judaism is both the religion of the Jewish people, as well as the shared cultural folkways and history of the ancient Jewish family. I affirm as holy both the religious and cultural aspects of Jewish life, as both of these forces bring us into a sense of covenant with one another.
And to quote a non-Reconstructionist rabbi to support that idea, the famous Rabbi Kaufman Kohler, “Judaism is the universal religion of a particular people.”
I like to think that I honor God by recognizing and celebrating Judaism’s innovative nature — always open to new ideas and ways of interpreting itself. We should not be afraid of the innovation that is built into the very framework of Jewish life.