Being Jewish Alone

What's the cure for Jewish loneliness? You!

Photo by Joshua Rawson-Harris on Unsplash

By Rabbi Patrick Beaulier

Perhaps you’re the only Jew in your community, or even in your family or home. Maybe you’ve tried to connect with a synagogue or rabbi, and something just doesn’t seem to click. And there are no invites over to others’ homes for Hanukkah or a Passover seder.

You’re being Jewish, alone.

Judaism is a communal religion. But what does that mean?

• Judaism: being with other Jews for religious reasons (mitzvot)

• Jewishness: being with other Jews because Jews share something historically,

  culturally, in common

• Humanness: being with people because people don’t like being alone

It’s hard to be Jewish by yourself, though plenty of people do. It could be any number of reasons. Typically I find the following reasons people are “alone” in Jewish life:

• Physical location: not being near Jewish communities. Simple enough. No amount of davvening solo can transport you to a minyan (at least, without assistive technology, but that’s another question)

• Family issues: lack of support from non-Jewish family, interfaith marriage/partnership where you are the only Jew in the household, and in some cases a spiritual mismatch were one Jewish partner wants to practice Judaism more openly, and the other feels their Jewish identity is more cultural and does not have requisite practices

• Health: being homebound due to illness or other reasons

• Emotional: I’ve met some people who struggle to leave their home, struggle to relate to others (even when they have something like Jewish identity in common), people who are neuro-atypical, or have some kind of social anxiety, and even just shyness.

• Philosophical differences: this usually comes out as “I’m not Jewish the way they are”. You’re a Chabadnik going to a Reform Temple, for example

• Community issues: often there are inactive Jewish communities, or community that are not welcoming. Sometimes there is a perception that the Jewish community near you simply does not like you, or in some cases there are communities (particularly outside the USA) who do not integrate Jews By Choice

While there are plenty more reasons (please post below if you have any) the real question is whether we can resolve any of these issues so that we are not alone in Judaism?

I tried to think about this in the context of what would be easiest for most people. Granted, we are all different and our lives have different obstacles. But for many, this would seem like the path of least resistance.

• Incorporate Jewishness into daily life: your Jewish identity does not have to be an endless series of social commitments. You can incorporate Jewish art, music, tv shows and movies into your surroundings. Make Jewish foods, create Judaica, etc.

• Change your mindset: what adjustments can you make to your expectations of a Jewish community so that you are not alone? For example: can you go once a month, even if it’s a long drive? Can you stream adult education classes from the nearest community? Are you willing to put aside the fact that it’s a Conservative community when you see yourself as Reform? In other words, instead of “it’s them” asking yourself “is it me?”

• Can you be a force for good: Jewish communities thrive on volunteers. If you struggle to small talk (and therefore cut yourself off from community), find ways you can be involved so it gives you a task to do. Role-play out the events you’ll go to and how you could be a positive impact on others. Consider speaking with the rabbi about your needs and asking for ways you can be the “most help” to those around you. You can also find Jewish causes that are meaningful to you and network a Jewish community through shared values

• Create something yourself: find a very educated Jew in the area and form something with them. Perhaps a once a month Shabbat dinner chavurah, or a group that meets to read Jewish books

• Relocate: occasionally I meet people who are insistent that they want to be Orthodox, keep kosher, pray with a minyan, celebrate holidays traditionally, but live in an area without an Orthodox community and won’t move. Sometimes there are things we want that simply are not realistic, and this is one of them. You may have to do what Avraham Avinu did: move

Ready to expand your Jewish learning? Consider Comprehensive Jewish Studies at Darshan Yeshiva.